New Series from Acadia After Dark: Park Updates

Hey there hikers,

Well the summer is almost over and Spooky Season is upon us. With this comes a return to creation of new content and there's plenty of stories waiting to be told. The podcast is still on a break but I will be churning out more episodes of some of your favorite series while production begins on Acadia After Dark. That aside I wanted to try and do something fun and a bit different from what we usually do over here and that has brought us a new series in the ever expanding Acadia After Dark Universe.

Park Updates is a new series from the Acadia After Dark. Think of it as your guide to surviving the supernatural bureaucracy of the worlds most haunted national park. Inspired by the likes of Welcome to Night Vale, this series blends horror, satirical humor, and narrative world-building to deliver ranger reports, cryptic announcements, and unsettling community bulletins from a park that may not be entirely terrestrial. Whether you’re a seasoned camper, a curious outsider, or something else entirely, we welcome you to laugh nervously, listen closely, and never—ever—stray from the path.

If you are a musical artist and would like to contribute your music to be played on the show please reach out. I look forward to seeing where this new adventure takes us. The full script for the show is posted below so feel free to read along. As always, keep those lanterns lit and stay safe out there...

-Reverend Redbeard

ACADIA AFTER DARK – PARK UPDATES

Episode 1: “Free-Range Werewolves & Frog People Migration”

Good evening, hikers. And thank you for tuning in to the inaugural broadcast of Acadia After Dark’s Park Updates here on ▇▇▇▇▇▇ —your regularly scheduled dispatch from the dark place between the pines where static meets the shadows.

It’s August here in the Park, which as usual means bumper-to-bumper Subarus, overpriced lobster rolls, and tourists asking if the fog is “always this haunted.”

This year has been especially busy—hitting near record numbers of visitors that haven’t been seen since the 80’s which is good business for our little community. However, increased tourism means more traffic and dangers to our local Frog People. We’ll dive into that a bit later in the show.

Coming up tonight:

• UAP pilots and secret military operatives finally agree on something—Starlink is a menace.

• And a special report on the free-range werewolf initiative, which has gone about as well as you’d expect.

But first, A quick reminder to all residents and visitors:
If you’ve recently experienced symptoms such as sudden chills, persistent night sweats, or the sensation that something is watching you from the treeline—please consult your nearest folk healer or licensed cryptobotanist.

This season’s spike in Witch Wind Syndrome has been officially classified as “moderate to severe.” The condition, believed to be caused by exposure to cursed coastal breezes, is known to induce:

• Uncontrollable shivering

• Vivid dreams of drowning

• And, in rare cases, spontaneous speaking of Old Wabanaki dialects

Local legend holds that the Witch Wind travels inland from the sea caves near Thunder Hole, especially during lunar shifts and times of political unrest .

To protect yourself, park officials recommend:

• Wearing a scarf soaked in pine tar

• Avoiding eye contact with loons after sunset

• And refraining from whistling near birch groves—especially if the trees whistle back

For those already afflicted, the Local Witches Coven is offering free sachets of dried ghostwort and a complimentary exorcism coupon redeemable at participating lighthouses.

In other news: As some of you may recall, due to chronic staffing shortages and budget cuts courtesy of the Department of Government Efficiency—whose motto remains “Less Is More, Especially Safety”—Acadia After Dark’s management opted for a cost-saving measure:

Let the werewolves roam.

Yes, you heard right. No containment. No tranquilizers. Just good old-fashioned freedom.

This free-range approach was meant to promote ecological balance and reduce overhead. Instead, it’s led to several unforeseen consequences, including—but not limited to:

• The decimation of the local raccoon mafia

• A sharp decline in moonlit picnics

• And the unfortunate disappearance of Old Man Cormier’s prized goat, Lucille

Well, you’ll be happy to know your voices HAVE been heard. Your complaints about the increased risk of death due to unmitigated lycanthrope attacks have been taken very seriously by Park Management.

After extensive consultation with local wildlife experts—two of whom are still missing—it was decided that the best course of action would be to construct a Werewolf Recreational Facility.

Yes. A facility. For recreation. For werewolves.

Due to the rising costs of materials and labor, initial estimates place the project at around 200 million dollars. But Park Management assures you this “Ballroom” will make our park the hottest destination around. All the other parks will be jealous when they see how the arching ceiling compliments the gold trim and marble floors.

When asked how this would protect residents from the werewolves currently stalking the region, Park Management shrugged their shoulders… and then vanished into the mist that is said to follow them wherever they go.

In other news, last month’s Big Night was a resounding success. Congratulations to Park personnel for assisting over two dozen Frog People in their migration to new breeding grounds near Eagle Lake.

One unexpected challenge of this season’s tourism has been the impact on our local flora and fauna. High traffic during the summer months makes it difficult for slower-moving critters to navigate the roadways safely, and in years past, this has led to some unfortunate encounters between humans and our more sensitive Park Residents.

We do ask that if you’re in the area, please be considerate of the Frog People’s privacy. Their mating rituals are deeply personal and spiritually significant, and having campers stare at them from behind coolers does nothing to preserve the delicate balance of the ecosystem. It’s disruptive. And frankly, it’s just plain rude.

In lighter news, the After Dark Book Club has begun holding regular meetings. Their first readalong selection is Humanoid Encounters by local author Nomar Slevik. The stories within have sparked lively discussion and raised several important questions, including:

• Are we alone?

• What else is out there?

• And... am I turtley enough for the Turtle Club?

We hope to have answers to at least some of these gnawing questions by next month.

Our final story tonight comes from several of the region’s UAP pilots, who are growing increasingly frustrated with the allegations. Too often, strange lights in the sky are hastily blamed on them. They want to make it clear: this is a harmful and outdated belief rooted in xenophobic, anti-alien rhetoric.

Modern UAP technology is silent, sleek, and almost entirely imperceptible to the human eye. So if you saw something glowing, pulsing, or zigzagging across the stars—it wasn’t them.

What you’re likely seeing is Starlink. Those satellites are constantly being misidentified, and frankly, they’re cluttering up the view.

The UAP pilots were in town for the Acadia Night Sky Festival last week, and you wouldn’t believe how many satellites they spotted while trying to chart their return trip. One pilot described it as “trying to navigate through a swarm of metallic gnats with no sense of personal space.”

Local unmarked black helicopter operators are also voicing their concerns.

In a statement given to us by a representative who refused to remove their aviation helmet—citing anonymity and “operational protocol”—we were told that the situation has become increasingly difficult for the Secret Shadow Military.

“When we get called, we’re expected to report in no matter the hour,” they said.
“And lately, we’re getting ten to twenty calls a week—almost all of them are Starlink.
Our guys monitoring the local social media groups are overwhelmed.
Who keeps authorizing these things!?”

Elon Musk has yet to comment on this developing situation. But we anxiously await his messenger pigeon, which is expected to arrive any day now—weather permitting.

This has been an Acadia After Dark Park Update with Reverend Redbeard.
Thank you kindly for listening.

If you don’t want to miss future transmissions, be sure to like, subscribe, and keep your ears tuned to the static between stations.

And remember:
Keep those lanterns lit.
Stay safe out there, hikers.